R16 63 When You Gotta Go

It's About Time to Get the Hell Out of Dodge

The beavers drank a lot of beer at the Copper Lantern back yard party. We had to. First, we had to wash the beaver-troubles out of our mouths and we had to get that party started. But when you drink a lot of beer, you have to go, well, you know.

Here's the problem. The kybos were way up the road. And there was a line (I bet). And they are kybos. Gross. And the bathrooms at the Copper Lantern were off limits. Or in a scary basement. I can't remember which. And, when you are on ragbrai, you just get used to going where you have to go, so corn fields, yards, and the occasional alley.

Steven and Masinga and I went out to the street and spotted a likely dumpster across the alley. Perfect. The streets were empty, all was quiet, so we tucked ourselves behind the dumpster and went pee. Steven and Masinga were just wrapping up, and I was mid-tinkle when we hear,

"What the fuck are you fucking doing? You can't pee there! My child just saw your fucking vagina, you disgusting freaks! Use the porta-potties! I am so sick of you fucking bikers!" And out of the seemingly quiet house across the street came streaking an angry, young blonde lady.

I know Steven is capable of diplomacy, and we both know that lady was right in being angry, but Steven, when yelled at, well, homey don't take no mess. If someone starts yelling at her she starts yell/mocking right back at them. You can take the girl out of the east side. I think her response was something along the times of, "oh get over it. Do you know how much money your town is making?"

Steven and Masinga get into a fight with this broad in the street, meanwhile I am desperately trying to finish and re-spandex as I hear her yell, "I'm going to call the fucking cops!"

Steven and Masinga, still a few steps ahead of me, were already walking across the street, and the lady was yelling at me. I think I responded with something like, "It's just pee. It's natural." Then I scurried back to the bar where I informed the team it was time to do a beaver-leaver.

We rallied to troops and decided to reconvene at LB's family shop anyway, and that is how we left the Copper Lantern and I tried to play it super cool, as we casually strolled back to our bikes. (Somewhere in here we met up with Crazy Eyed Jeff, still be-slung, with his wife, who did not seem impressed with the idea that her husband's name was "Crazy Eyed Jeff." Her eyes seemed perfectly normal, but what was confusing is that CEJ had a wife.)

I don't know if I have made this clear, but I was drunkety-drunk, drunk at this point. And things were not going to get any better.

As for the issue of free-peeing on Ragby, I get it. It's gross to pee in an alley. And I am not sure I would want my child watching drunk broads peeing in an alley. But it's not like it is every night. If ragby comes through this town every five years, is it that big of a deal? Of course, ragby wants us to be good ambassadors and not start any shenanigans, but we do drop a lot of money, and kybos are horrible. I'm not saying I am proud of it, I am just saying, when you gotta go...