Fitness Magazine Fairy Tales

I am a devotee of weight loss success stories.  I love reading "You Win, You Lose" in Women's Health or Fitness magazine.  There is something so inspiring of knowing that dramatic weight loss is actually possible.

These tales are not limited to magazines. I am currently reading Ride Your Way Lean by the editors of Bicycling (I am totally susceptible to advertising) and it is dramatic-weight-loss-tale-extravaganza.  I also "enjoyed" Heft on Wheels.  (The guy uses the word "hammer" a lot.)  Heck, I had a student in the Writing Lab who wrote one of these tales about losing 60 pounds in 75 days.


All of these tales seem to follow a series of steps, I will call: "The Stages of Dramatic Weight Loss."
 
-The History of Health: the subject did activities as a child to maintain weight (played soccer, naturally lean).

-But, there is The Lingering Bad Habit or Trigger (love of pizza, parent's divorce, troubled pregnancy).

-The Moment of Reckoning: subject goes through some sort of experience that makes them realize just how far gone they are (health problem, need to wear particular outfit for special event, etc.).  This stage is often documented in "before" pictures.

-The Bliss of the First Week: the subject adds exercise, often a walk, and notices initial weight loss.  Or the subject gives up one "bad" food habit, often soda or fast food, and notices initial weight loss.

-The Spiral of Positive Changes and Results: after initial weight loss, the subject is encouraged and ramps up intensity/time-frame of workout and occasionally starts to add dietary changes.

-The Plateau: the subject experiences a plateau.  Weight loss stalls before goal.  (Alternatively, this stage can manifest as the subject reacting initial goal and then deciding to continue). 

-The Breakthrough: the subject makes additional adjustments, either in a more in-depth workout (getting off the treadmill, getting a trainer) or changes in diet and eating habits.

-The Victory: the subject achieves dramatic weight loss, gets professional photography doing something "active," (rock climbing, roller blading with beagles) to compare with "before" pictures.

-The Reflection: the subject reflects on how much her life has improved since the dramatic weight loss, describes helpful tips (eat a baked sweet potato with cinnamon instead of pie!), and describes future goals. 

I love these stories is because in just a few short paragraphs, they contain all the elements of great American literature: a dark night of the soul, overcoming obstacles, triumph, set-back, and comeback. 

Also, while these stories don't make dramatic weight loss seem simple, they sure don't make it sound impossible.

The Formula

Fat girl realizes she's fat.
+
Starts exercising and stops drinking pop and eating fast food.
=
Dramatic weight loss/victory.

Of course, I have day dreamed about being the subject of one of these stories, gracing the pages of Women's Health magazine: that fatty picture of me (upper right) compared to my svelte new thighs swung casually over the leg of a hot road bike, like some sort of fitness pin-up girl.  Maybe it is the writer in me, but I see the right now as the fodder for this future piece of fitness journalism.

And, yet, I don't know what stage I am at.  Something is just not clicking. 

* I've realized I'm fat.  I've had oh-so-many moments of reckoning. 

* I don't eat crap.  I rarely, rarely, drink pop and eat processed fast food, maybe once every other month.  I do like to go to restaurants, and I do like my desserts, but like all the ladies in the fitness fairy tales, I have made a lot of smart swaps: low fat frozen yogurt for ice cream.  Fruit instead of candy.  One small bit of good chocolate instead of cake.  I have been working hard to both limit eating out and the sugary devil. 


* I worked out.  And, my workouts have evolved from half-hearted half hours on the elliptical machine reading (of course) fitness magazines, to the grueling 5am slogs at Beav-X-90.  Elliptical?  Lame!  Weight machines?  What, you want me to sit down?!?  It's all burpees and free-weights.  And, I ride my bike miles and miles, inside and out.  Though, arguably, I could be faster and better at climbing.

And, I am happy with the results.  When I Beav-X, I feel myself getting stronger.  Exercises that I never would have imagined, are easy. 

Man-push-up?  Boom. 

Sandbag get-up with a 60 pounds?  Done. 

Countless squats and push-ups and sit-ups?  Fine. 

Riding my bike a 100-miles.  Duh. 

Boom.

I mean, look at those guns.  For a fat person, I am in pretty good shape.  

* I also follow all the other fitness and weight-loss related advice.  I keep a food journal.  I drink lots of water.  I get out of my seat every hour and walk around.  I set goals.  I set smaller goals.  I use positive thinking.  I use smaller plates.  I do events to keep me working hard.  I weight lift.  I take rest days. 

But, I feel like the eat better + exercise more formula isn't working.   I work out, and that's cool.  I eat right, and I feel better.  And that's about it.  I don't experience fairy-tale-levels of dramatic weight loss.  What gives? 

The only time in my life I have experience dramatic weight loss was during the Juice Fitness Challenge.  I was working out twice a day and eating 1,200 calories.  No booze.  The problem was that I was miserable.  My body felt great, but all I did was sleep, workout, and measure and obsess about teeny-tiny bits of food.

I've long hoped to develop some level of moderation.  Eat clean, work hard, but not give up on life's little indulgences 100%.  I want to be equal parts healthy and sane.  

So, here are my hypotheses.   

* I eating too much.  I have been counting calories and trying to stick to around 1,500 a day during the week.  I eat mostly lean proteins, vegetables, and fruit, along with the occasional whole grain and some low-fat dairy.  I try to keep track of what I am eating with my phone app, but I am probably under estimating.  Most over weight people do.  I don't think my Sunday "off-day" is too over indulgent, but maybe it is. 

* I workout too much, or I don't do the right workout, or I don't workout enough.  Gwyn always reminded me that it is a lot easier to lose weight when you first start working out.  The more you exercise, the more your body adapts, hence the alligator push-ups I did this morning.  But, we don't get a lot of straight up cardio in Beav-X.  Maybe I am just not burning enough calories. 

* My metabolism is broken. I had my body composition tested and it said that my BMR (basal metabolic rate) was about 1,800 calories a day, which seemed crazy low for someone with as much heft as myself.  Though, I did read that you can't break your metabolism.

* I am not patient.  All of this takes time and dedication.  I give up too quickly and fall off the wagon.

* Aliens have implanted experimental, space-age insulation into my thighs. 

I don't know. 

What I do know is that despite my best efforts at eating well, working out hard, stressing less, drinking water, and trying to maintain a level of balance and moderation, dropping the pounds is not like a fairy tale.  Sometimes it happens.  Lots of times it doesn't. Usually, I just hover. 


This week, on The Fat Cyclist, a blogger from England writes about losing hundreds of pounds.  His strategy: ride 30 miles a day and eat 2,000 calories.   It sounds so simple, and yet, I find it so difficult. 

Perhaps this is why I read so many fitness magazines.  I am searching for the answer, for that silver bullet, or better yet, fitness knight in shining armor that will save me from my weight loss purgatory and give me a fairy tale ending. 

Red Flannel Run Race Report

Saturday morning it was a balmy 5 degrees for the Red Flannel Run.

I layered up in three long sleeve merino t-shirts of varying weights, Mountain Hardwear Power Stretch pants, Darn Tough boot socks, then a wool jacket in plaid and an old down vest, and my mountain man fur hat.  Easy-E picked me up and we documented the moment.

E wore J Crew merino leggings.

We also took a picture with Holiday.  I thought about taking the little pup, but as she is a total spaz when running, and she believes, truly believes, that every dog wants to be her best friend and romp and play with her all day, I decided against it.

The face of puppy-depression. 

We were pretty early, so we found a good parking spot and went into the Y to pick up our t-shirts and chips and race numbers.  The Des Moines Register photographer was hanging around and I secretly wished he would ask for our picture.  And, he did! 


The Rice sisters were publicly acknowledged for being the style-icons we are in the Des Moines Register.

Fair is fair, so I insisted we get a picture of the photograph too.  Here's David Purdy.

Now, that's a photographer!

Then, we walked over to Java Joes for a cup of coffee and some breakfast.  We split a delicious Scotcharoo and E got a Cupid Latte (raspberry and white chocolate). E on caffeine is a little intense. 

Once she metabolizes that caffeine, it's all downhill.

We met up with E's friend, Megan.  Then, we re-applied our layers.  Megan didn't have enough warm stuff, so I lent her my top level merino.  Then, we walked back over to the YMCA.  Actually, I walked.  E did a sideways run thing that made her look like Gene Kelly in Singing in the Rain. Thanks to her Cupid Latte.

Back at the YMCA, the crowd of more than 2,000 very chilly folks were gathering.  Someone brought a fire pit and lots of people were standing around warming their rear ends.  Others were hopping up and down manically.  The only person who was warm was the guy dressed in a head-to-toe frog suit.

In E's caffeine induced mania, she imagined that the frog would trip, then get mauled by thousands of red-flanneled runners. 

The icy masses.

After a handful of false starts, that put us out on the bridge, out of our wind breaks, the race began.

E and Megan were running the 5, and like fauns, they sped off into the distance.  I happily chugged along, trying to keep myself amused with people's outfits and trying to stay ahead of the walkers.

Though, I was very cold, I was also getting warm.   Perhaps, my non-technical wool jacket and down vest were a little much.  Maybe I didn't need to have my fur hat battened down.  I made a few outfit adjustments.  Then, moved on.

The route is mostly flat and pretty easy. 

The Red Flannel Run

I tried to keep running, though, I ran into the twin problems of a) I am not a fan of running and b) when I ran I got hot.  A few times I slowed to a brisk walk, but when I would do that I had the twin problems of a) feeling guilty for not running and b) getting cold.

Here's a not-totally-accurate recreation of my walked stretches. 

The Red Flannel Walk

I did manage to stay ahead of the goldendoodle wearing pants, and the father walking with three toddlers.  I high-fived E on Robert Ray Drive, and I spotted "mini-Chuck Norris," Forey Jacobson, who looked like he was recovering.

I didn't take any photos during the race because my phone was frozen.

Finally, I made the final push around the YMCA and over the bridge.  I hoped to catch a glimpse of E and Megan finishing the 5-mile, but I was too cold, so I made my way inside and waited for them on the couches in the basement.

There I spotted the coach of the Des Moines Australian Rules Football Team, Chico.  Yes, Des Moines has an Aussy Rules Football team.  No, I don't know what Aussy Rules is.  Chico, not his real name, though, is a total bad-ass and a total sweetheart.  I took his picture for his friend the Thunda.

Go Roosters!

Eventually, Megan and E arrived, both frozen to the core. 

Trying to warm up.

We recuperated for a bit.  We thought about going to get the free food, but the crowd was way too thick, so instead, we left.

Little did I know that when E offered to drive in the morning I would get roped into an East-Side Odyssey, that invovled picking up my brother then picking up his baby, but when E and I discovered the little nugget was wearing a matching hat, we were quite pleased.

Their heads are the same size!

There wasn't any time for relaxing Saturday.  My parents were staying with us, and I had an appointment, and E's birthday dinner, then a work-wedding.  I ate some leftovers then got back to work. 

Later, I checked the results:

Whoo-hoo!  Not the loser.  Again.

72 out of 86 people in my age and gender group.

I can't remember how this compares to the Olathe 5K or the Beaverdash, but I was pleased with the results.  I feel encouraged that should I attempt running without the searing pain of frost in my lungs, I might actually be able to complete an 11-minute mile or something awesome like that.

Now, on to the stairs.

Bread Puddin: I Cooked! A Bunch!

So, I enjoy kale.  And, my sister, who is doing a "juice cleanse," had some extra kale, and parsnips, and pears, which she gifted me.  Apparently, you can only eat so many vegetables when you are juicing. 

And, it just so happened the New York Times had a series of recipes called "Kale for Everyone," which I thought was going to refer to the "Eat More Kale" tshirt guy versus the mega-corporation Chika-a-fila.  )It is currently my favorite controversy.)  Instead, it was full of kale related recipes.

Like this one, Savory Bread Pudding with Kale and Mushrooms.  

Kale is going through quite the renaissance right now.  Everyone is eating kale.  It scores a perfect 1,000 on some food scale thingy. 

The new cookbook.

I love bread pudding, though, I usually eat it covered in caramel sauce.  Since I had kale, eggs, stale bread, milk, I thought I would give it a try. 

Then, at the last minute, I balked.  How much is a bunch of kale?  I only had a half a bag?  Is that enough?  So, I bought more kale.  Thankfully, it was on sale!

Free kale + auxiliary kale

The Tiger was nervous about this so-called bread pudding.  He thought it was for dessert.  But, soon, he got on-board.  He even volunteered to write a letter to the New York Times asking for a more specific definition of "a bunch."

Flash +Reflective Jackets = Arm Halo

I have found that recipes from the New York Times are rather complicated.  The booze-pie is an all-day, serious concentration kind of pie, with results that are 50/50. 

The bread pudding proved to be similarly complicated. 

I had to par-boil the kale.

And, I had to cook the mushrooms just so. 

Until "fragrant"

And, grate the cheese.

Gruyere.  Maybe more than a 1/2 cup.

But, finally, I got it all mixed up. 

Mixed and soaking with eggs and milk.

While it was absorbing into the bread, I prepared the parsnips. I hated parsnips as a child, but I thought, since they were free, I would try them again.  Roasted with a bit of olive oil, they weren't so bad. 

The dreaded parsnip. 

Finally, it was time to cook.  The bread puddin' went into for 40 minutes.  When it came out, it looked glorious! 

Add caption

And, it tasted glorious too. 

We enjoyed it with a salad and the latest episode of Downton Abbey.  And, while I can't ensure that Mary doesn't have to marry that upstart scoundrel Richard Carlyle, I can ensure that my dinner is packed with nutrients. 

Finally, Savory Bread Pudding with Mushrooms and Kale was Tiger approved.  He even took it to lunch today!  So, we will be putting it in the healthy/easy/tasty dinner repertoire.  Good thing, because there is still auxiliary kale in the fridge. 

Smoothie Day!

The usual suspects at my college signed up for Live Healthy Iowa, an annual 100 day fitness challenge.  Our team is "The Fab Ten."  This is our second year in a row. 

Fab, not Flab.

LHI is supposed to encourage Iowans lose weight and get more active.  Some offices take it very seriously.  We are pretty low key.  Mostly, we just meet for lunch and discuss healthy topics. 

Today, we had a smoothie pot luck. 

Awesome idea!  Try it.  Everyone brought ingredients to share.  We had a couple blenders, and we all got to sample our concoctions, rather than being stuck with one ginormous mango smoothie.

Behind our "Front Desk Information Wrangler," Kathy, is just part of the buffet of health.

Doesn't she look like a healthy Iowan!

We got to hold our meeting in the super cool kitchen upstairs, leftover from the building's former corporate overlords.  We use it for our culinary program now.  And, because we have the best IT guy in the world, we got to broadcast ourselves on the televisions. 

Behind Julie and Jenny, Daryn does what he does best: makes technology happen. 

Daryn said he wasn't into "this sort of thing." i.e. smoothies. 

All of the other smoothies were fine and good, but Professor W. and I decided we wanted to shake things up a bit (har har).  She brought almond milk and almond butter.  I brought flax seed oil.  We combined them with a banana, vanilla Greek yogurt, and blended. 

Omega, what what.

Wha-la. How do I describe the flavor?  Nut-meaty?  Fatty?  Slightly sweet?  Delicious!  I am not normally into smoothies, but I could get behind a slightly savory nectar.

No one else liked it.  One of our academic advisers said, "I don't hate it enough to gag, but I don't like it."  Whatever.  Professor W and I loved it so much we made a second. 

The Fab Ten is going to try to submit our activity photo to Live Healthy Iowa because I guess we might be able to win something.  We are not into the LHI as much as the other teams, some of whom, we have heard, have lost like 10 pounds already, geez.  

But, we have fun and we get to have lunch with a crew of like-minded folks, and that seems healthy to me. 

EXTRA CREDIT: Jenny, who teaches our high school nursing program offered this bit of extra credit to her students: find a package of bread that doesn't involve sugar (any kind of sugar) in the first 4 ingredients. 

How does your bread stack up?  (Geez, I am on a corny joke roll!  It must be all those fatty acids.)

Snow Day!

Steven, over at See Teacher Run, has long inspired me with her blogs that are so succinct.  I can't seem to write a blog that wouldn't be better suited as an essay.  Here's my attempt: Saturday's snow day.  

Saturday I woke up at 5:30am and there was no snow on the ground.  So, I went to Beav-X-Yoga with Ed and Jen.  We stretched. 

Then, I went home.  It started to snow, so I skipped Tomoko's spin class, and the Tiger decided not to go into work.  We hung around the house.  I rode the trainer and watched a bull riding documentary.

Holiday was very excited.  She loves snow. 

I know I have already been out 187 times today, but can I go out again?

Later, we decided to take a walk. 

Check out the Tiger's new adventure hat.

The streets were mostly clear. 

Half-ass-shovel

And, some people had shoveled, but some didn't do a very good job. 

Magic.

The trees were glorious. 

like a donut.

They were frosted. 

Headed home with supplies.

We walked up to the Kum & Go.  On our way, I saw some college students hiking home.  One was carrying a case of Miller High Life on his shoulder, but I couldn't get close enough to get a clear shot, but I was impressed by his priorities.

The Norman.

At Kum & Go, I waited for the Tiger outside and took a picture of the building that shares my nickname.

Ready for adventure.

Once the Tiger had his "supplies" we made tracks towards the Library. The Cafe, not the biblioteca.

What is that impressive snow sculpture?

As we walked west on University, I noticed something I hadn't seen before.

Oh, you Drake students.

You guessed it.

My surprise and delight face.

We got a table at the Library, which was surprising.  It is very small.  It is so small that there's really no point in going there with more than three friends.

Stoic and bearded.

The Tiger was non-plussed at the seating, but happy to be drinking one of his favorite brews on tap: Fullers.

Frightful.

It was cold and wet outside, but we were cozy at our little booth.


We ordered some clam strips.

Clam goodness.

I couldn't recall ever having clam strips.  They were delightful.

Still frightful.

The sun went down.

And, we ordered some nachos.

Then, we ate them.

They are the Library Cafe specialty. 

Then, we walked home. 

Feel the burn!

I decided that I needed to do something to burn off some nachos and beer.  So, I decided to shovel snow.  I did the sidewalk, the plow-mountain in front of the driveway, and because I hadn't felt like I had been out long enough, I did our whole driveway.  This was completely superfluous shoveling as we never use our driveway, not even in the summer.

Holiday was in the backyard, so we played a game called "Snow Storm" where I shoveled snow at her and she tried to duck it, and then eat it, before the next snow storm happened.  It was fun.

Part of me was jealous of Steven and the Mayor.  The snow storm had hit on Friday in Colorado, so they got a snow day.  I just got a snow Saturday!

They did put some of their snow day to good use.  They hooked up the video chat on the Google, so we could have a plenary meeting, regarding the RAGBRAI (165).

It was nice to discuss some of the logistics, and to see them both, though the Mayor, of course, had to taunt me. 

Chat!

Here's what it looked like.   

I added the beach party stickers to protect Steven's privacy.  And, I added the snow too.

On a business note: we are looking for friends, family, cousins, business-partners, etc. who inhabit homes in Sioux Center, Cherokee, Lake View, Webster City, Marshalltown, Cedar Rapids, and Anamosa.  If you know anyone in those locales that would be willing to home their home and their hearts to our small but mighty RAGBRAI-crew, please contact me!