A few days ago, I got a distressing email.
"It's back..." Jessica wrote, then, a link to the blogs for the
2011 Juice Fitness Challenge. While I am pumped those 2011 Fitness-Challengers, I couldn't help but reflect, on, well, me. (Note: this is going to be a self-indulgent doozey.)
At this time last year, Jess and I were closing in on the end of the fitness challenge. I was eating 1,200 calories a day, and working out, a lot, like twice a day. I hadn't touched a drop of booze in a month and a half. I was sleeping great, taking vitamins, and I was in really great shape (for me at least).
And all that hard work paid off. We won! And, that was the goal, right?
(Me before the final mile-run)Since last March, my Juice cover has faded and my gift certificates are barely half-spent. I haven't had a total relapse, but I did regain 10 pounds (13 if you count from my lowest weight). I look back at those photos and I can see a difference, and it's not just in my waist-line.
Granted, I was fitness-crazy during the fitness challenge. I like to tell people that everything about my life was great, except I didn't really want to live it. I wasn't fun to hang out with. My diet and lifestyle had so many no's. I don't miss that part of my journey. What I do miss, is that focus.
There's something about a competition, especially one in which you publish your weight in the newspaper, that really helped me make some tough decisions about what I did with my time and what I put in my mouth.
Now, I don't have that focus. I've done a few minor challenges since the big Juice. Last spring, my friend--and now mommy--beat me in a
RAGBRAI challenge. I completed Holiday Weighs, but never made it into the Y to claim my prize. Today, I am participating in
Live Healthy Iowa with a team of my new co-workers. These challenges have helped, but they haven't created in me the cosmic-shift that I once saw in myself.
I've made a lot of promises to myself for this year before I turn 30, and right now, I am not feeling like I can live up to them. I am discouraged. I don't know what I can do to turn that ambition back on.
I had a long conversation with Gwyn, who I swear is half-trainer, half-therapist, and she asked me to evaluate whether my goals are really what I want. Yes, I think. Why? She asks. Because I know I can be more awesome than I am today. I know I am capable of awesome, even if the awe-I am striking is only in myself.
Right now, I am living a sort of fitness-half life.
(At least I got a good tee-shirt)For example, my first big
"fitness-event" of the year was the
Red Flannel Run, February 12. The day also happened to be my darling sister's 25th birthday. We planned to run the race together, though, I gave her permission to run-ahead and meet me at the end. The night before, in true Emily Show-fashion, Emily Kevin Baconed herself all over the dance floor at a certain West Des Moines Country-Themed Night Club and banged up her knee.
(After the race, Emily had to prepare for her party)Bruised in body, but not in spirit, she put on her best red union suit and vowed to walk the "race." This time she gave me permission to meet her at the end. We got started, and I offered to walk with her until we were out of the sh!t show. As the speedies cleared out, I turned to say good-bye. Then, I couldn't do it.
For one, I didn't want to leave my sister, on her birthday, to walk 3 miles alone around downtown Des Moines. For two, I didn't know if I was ready. I hadn't been training. I had planned to "dry heave" the route and see how it turned out, but I didn't have a lot of confidence in this training plan. In the end, Emily and I had a very nice walk. Who knows? Maybe I beat my
Olathe time?
The next day, I planned to go cross-country skiing with my new friend Stefani. Warren County conservation was hosting a free workshop. The day was sunny and gorgeous, and though there wasn't much snow, we were game for a little adventure. We drove past Indianola, strapped on our skis, and from then on about 60% of my energy was spent hauling myself off of the ground. I fell, a lot.
For one, there wasn't much snow. For two, there were a lot of hills (up and down ones). For three, there were a lot of curves (some on hills!). Stefani (who took to skiing like a champ) very sweetly encouraged me to squat more and "v" my skis and waited for me nicely while I climbed out of various patches of prairie grass. (Then, she cruelly posted images on Facebook).
Our little ski adventure was fun, but it was a far cry from my
first ski adventure.
Moreover, my plan to run the Dam-to-Dam has to be adjusted. I've going to a wedding that weekend in South Dakota, but it somehow feels like an excuse.
Running is not my favorite kind of fun. But, I was going to run a half-marathon with my pal, The Mayor. He's going to train for a century-ride instead. I was going to go ahead and train for anyway, but, only sort of half-heartedly. Now, there's a wedding.
Gwyn says, "you don't have to do the Dam-to-Dam just because everyone else does it. What do you want to do?"
I don't know.
What
do I want to do?
My point, I guess, besides wallowing in self-indulgent dribble, is, that there are times when we have focus like a ninja-with-a-vendetta-and-razors-for-hands and sometimes we are just bumping around in the dark.
Right now, I am a bit lost. The Facebook posts of my inspiring friends send me into a spiral of self-doubt. Sometimes, I don't do anything physical, not even walk the dog (yesterday). I am so far from my goals right now, it took all I could muster to even write this blog. Seeing what I wrote in that header seems like climbing a mountain: right now, impossible.
So, I will just keep bumping around the dark. I will try to make a healthy lunch and keep track of what I eat. I will do my best to make it to the gym, when I can, and count the days until Gwyn gets back from Australia. At some point, I hope, I will bump into the wall, grope around a bit, and find my switch.
