Why I'm Not Doing the Copper Triangle

So, if you know me, you probably know, or have guessed, that I am not in Colorado today, not on the top of Copper Mountain getting ready to ride the Copper Triangle. Which is super awkward because I have been planning on doing it, thinking about doing it, talking about doing it, procrastinated training for it, for a year now.

I feel as if I owe you, and myself, really, an explanation. So, here goes. 

Tough Year

Pretty much as soon as I decided this was the year for the CT, things started going haywire. I decided to start "getting back into shape," after a summer of way too much work and travel, and I threw my back out. That left me in bed for four days, and in gut wrenching pain for weeks, and in physical therapy for months. I didn't get back to a regular gym schedule until January. 

The upshot: I learned the importance of core exercises, and that one leg is longer than the other, and now, I can take control of my wonkiness. 

Also, we had some emotional stuff going on around the Tiger Den in the spring. I don't want to go into it, because it doesn't really relate to this blog, but I will say, it didn't leave me feeling like I had the energy to go on a 4 hour training ride. 

Why Did I Want to Do It Again?

Where did that idea come from? The Mayor initially suggested it, and suggested it, until I finally agreed. 

My thinking was if I sign up for something really scary, like 78 miles of climbing, I would force myself into working out really hard. 

Well, that didn't work. I worked out, but not really any harder. Mostly, it just filled me with dread. 

The whole concept was based on the premise that I am lazy, and unmotivated, and I wouldn't work hard if I didn't have something really scary coming up. And, when you think about it, that's not a very nice thing to think about myself. 

Having a big event doesn't motivate me. I work out anyway. I like going to the gym, and riding my bike, and being active. I'm not lazy or unmotivated. I work hard without any extrinsic motivation. 

Having the CT breathing down my neck for a year really just filled me with anxiety and self loathing. Not productive or happy emotions. 

When I first gave myself permission to think about not doing it, somewhere is Western Oklahoma, I could literally feel the weight of all that pressure and anxiety lift off my chest. It was like I took off a lead vest.

Also, on the Brewery 100, I asked the Mayor why he thought I should do the CT. He said, "so I don't have to do it alone."

Ha! That's why I've been stressing for so long? 

Oh, Hell No.

One of the problems with signing up for this ride is I felt like I never knew what mountains were like. So, on my dramatic Utah-Colorado adventure, I took a side trip. I drove through Leadville, over Tennessee Pass, and then across Vail Pass. 

At first, driving from Leadville over Tennessee Pass, I was like, "okay, this is do able." It was climbing, but not crazy steep.

Then, it was crazy steep. Then, it was crazy steep and curvy downhill. Have I mentioned I hate descending?! 

Yeah, no. I saw the people who were riding their bikes over their passes. Lean as pole cats, and still suffering. I just don't think this is for me. I guess I had to see that to know I didn't want to do it.

Good Job! You Can Do It!

So, on Ragbrai, Goldie slid up next to me and we rode and chatted about the CT. I explained all of this stuff to her, and she was like, "do you know what I think?"

Probably.

"I think you should just do it," she said. 

My sister said the same thing. And a few people said, "well if you can do the ride out, you can do the Copper Triangle."

First, the Ragout is not the same thing. Not in the least. 

Second, they are right. I am stubborn enough to probably be able to go out there and dry heave it. But, what I can't do, can't imagine surviving, is being passed by fit Coloradian after fit Coloradian saying, "good job!" or "you can do it." 

I hate cheerleading. I know it would break my heart. I don't want to dry heave it, like some pudgy slug creeping 3 miles an hour up a mountain. If I am going to do it, I should rock. it. 

I am not prepared to rock it. 

The Worst Part

The worst part is that I feel like I am letting the team down. Everyone has been so loving and supportive during this year, and I feel like I have failed you all. And, for that, I am sorry. I hope you don't feel like your love and support has been squandered, because it hasn't. Each and every one of you fills my heart with joy and inspiration and I have the best life because you are a part of it. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

And, the worst, worst, part is that I can't wear my amazing necklace anymore. I love that necklace! And I get so many compliments on it. I didn't earn it. Damn! 

The Upshot? 

There is an upshot! I know I am not conquering any mountains today. That is a bummer, but I have to say, the journey to not getting to the Copper Triangle has been a powerful one. That is not a cop out. 

I have learned so much about myself in the past year, and though a lot of it has been hard, and messy, and painful, I actually feel like I am on more stable ground. I am happier, and healthier, with a stronger core, and more confident than I was a year ago. 

I am getting to know myself better, and I have to say, I like me. I think that's the starting point for many more good things to come. And certainly worth the $140 fee.

So, gentle readers, let me say again, I am sorry to disappoint you. But, I cannot thank you enough for being with me on this journey to nowhere, or somewhere. I can't promise an exciting CT write-up, but you can bank on more adventures to come.