What happens at Bacon Fest...

...goes in this blog.

So, I went to Bacon Fest. Obviously, I understand the irony of writing about Bacon Fest in a blog dedicated to fitness and weight loss. But, I was sort of tricked into going. I have never been. It just didn't seem like that good of an idea, and as the number people attending crept from 1,000 to 2,000, to 6,000 to 8,000 it was even less appealing.

Bacon Fest was just an expensive ticket to be crowded in to a building at the Fairgrounds, eating bacon, which is delicious, don't get me wrong. It is just a bit too heavily memed if you ask me. Anyway, based on complicated circumstances we were going. 

First step, work out. I needed to establish a serious calorie deficit, so I went to the gym. First, I swam for thirty minutes. Then, I spun for 45. Then I did yoga for 45. Also, I had a kale and orange juice for breakfast. 

Extreme bad Y parking: not just taking two spots, but hanging out into the lot. Shame!

We were going with a big group of people that included my siblings, the Des Moines Roosters, folks from my sister's and Kelly's office, The Energy Group, and us. I called Kelly to find out when he was going. "When I get there, I will want to start drinking beer, and I don't need to start drinking beer at 10am." Agreed. We were bringing the lovely and talented Emily S, and we all agreed to arrive around 11. 

We picked up Emily S and drove to the fairgrounds. It was busy. The whole parking lot on the north side of the fairground was full. We found a spot, walked all the way to the east side of the fairgrounds, then on to the grand concourse. There we found the line started at the east side of the Varied Industries Building. It streamed all the way to a new building on the east side of the fairgrounds. Suffice it to say, it was a long, long, long line. 

The "Goodie" Bag

Once we got through security and check in and picked up all our bacon fest stuff, we could proceed into the actual fest. We decided to start at our table, which was in the Edmundson Building, or something. We were in the not-so-cool building. It was so crowded. You had to descend into the building to get to the floor and it was a sea of humanity, with a cloud of bacon smoke hanging over the top. We found our way through the most pit to the table. Kelly and Les were there with their wives. We said hello, found our "free tickets," and fought our way to the beer and food stands. Emily S and I had a plan to team up but we lost each other instantly. It is not fun to be in such a crowd when you are short. 

Free snacks for dogs too. Holiday had too many and threw up all over Emily and Luke's house during the Super Bowl. 

We got some tacos, some beer, and some bacon crab rangoons and hung out for a bit. Then a group of people fought their way to the Varied Industries building. Emily S and I were the only ones who managed to stay together, which was good, because she is pretty much the perfect person to do most things with. We got the "bacon pineapple quesadilla" and some more beer, then Emily S got in line to go to the bathroom. 

While I was leaning on a Mini Cooper and waiting for her, I realized I was standing next to the one and only Hacksaw Jim Duggins. (He's a wrestler.) So I took his picture.

He was so jolly!

Then Emily S and I went to the Gusto Pizza stand, because Masinga was working there.

Masinga, doing her thing.

As we were waiting in line, the Tiger found me, which he always does. We ate our pizza and then thought about going into the Templeton booth, but then just went for a bacon wrapped rib.

Because, why not wrap a rib in bacon.

Sister Emily said it was amazing. I was not that excited about it, but we took a picture for Cool Hand Luke, Emily S's fiance,

Rib-a-licious

Then, we decided to wander back over to the other building. But we stopped so the Tiger could make a friend.

I think the Nixon thumb is catching on.

We hung out at the table for a bit and tried to burn through some extra tickets. Then I got a text from my sister. She and the footie boys were in "Club Sizzle," a "nightclub like space" behind the stage in our building. Emily S and I made our way over there, and it was a whole different world.

Instead of booths and crowds and bacon snacks and beer, there was crowds of people, bacon snacks, beers and cocktails, but also white leather couches, mood lighting, and go-go dancers!

Get it girl

There was also a fairly amazing performer of aerial acrobatics. It was so impressive that sister-Emily actually later signed up for the gym where you can learn those tricks.

Now, why Bacon Fest needed a "night club" like atmosphere I don't know. It was bizarre to be full of bacon and beer and for it to be daylight and to be dancing to club music, with haze of bacon smoke in the air, in a building at the state fair grounds. This might have been the most bizarre moment. Maybe.

Soon enough we left Club Sizzle and decided to round up our stuff and head back to the Varied Industries building to spend up our tickets and close out of the day. We gathered our stuff and headed back out into the cold.

Bacon Fest PhotoBooth

Lots of the vendors were out food and packing up, and quickly we realized it was going to be a bit of a challenge to find a way to spend our tickets.

I bought this toffee, because I could take it with me.

Goes in the purse! Actually delicious. 

Soon, it was last call and the Tiger still had a drink ticket. They wouldn't sell him another drink, but he did get two Cokes. 

$2 a can, what a deal!

We kind of milled around, got some free bacon, and hung out, in kind of a bacon-coma.

Easy-E: The Bacon Ring-Leader

Bacon grease stain on a shoe

The $nack$ were playing at the main stage, we we wandered over there to listen.

Hey, that's a DMACC ad on the screen.

The drummer was wearing a horrible pig mask that was terrifying. Then this guy with a poncho got up and rapped, which was pretty amazing. 

Did you see the bacon on the floor, asks Hammie?

Yes, I will slide across it.

Dancing would have been an option, except for one major problem. Bacon grease + polish concrete floor. 

Notice the sheen.

Bacon-fettii

This was a bridge too far for me. I love bacon. It is delicious. I don't want to stop eating it, but I also acknowledge that the pig is a smart, noble creature. It is one thing to kill it, eat it, and celebrate its products with an over-the-top festival. It is another thing to throw meat on the floor. I mean, how disgustingly American and wasteful is that?!

We tried to make the best of it, though, and get down.

Moments before slipping and falling on his butt.

Then, we decided to leave, so we trucked back out into the cold, walked across the frigid fairgrounds, and loaded our much heavier selves into the Mazda and headed home. We dropped Emily S off at home, then went to the store. I wanted to buy some red wine to try to save my heart. I didn't even drink it. I just crashed on the sofa with a movie, drank a gallon of water, and then went to bed. 

The next day, I got up and went to the 90-minute spin class to try to do some damage control. The instructor did a Super Bowl edition of the class where there were two workout options for each set. One of the students would flip the coin for either Broncos or Seahawks. Broncos were hills. Seahawks speed. We did a lot of hills.

After class, I explored the Tiger's "goodie bag." Mine had been "cleaned up" when I was in Club Sizzle.

He got a tshirt

And a bacon jar opener...

And an ad for a bike ride.

Now, again, I am trying not to be a lefty-prude, and laugh at the joke, and what-have-you. But, "Ride for the Cured." Really?! Clearly a play on the "Ride for the Cure". Which is a bike ride that raises money for diabetes research. Diabetes is serious! Eating too much bacon is bad for you. C'mon.

All-in-all, I had a good time at Bacon Fest. Yes, it was expensive. Yes, it was insanely-busy, and yes, it was over-rated, but I did get to hang out with cool folks, eat tasty food, and drink Coors Light. Add bike riding too it, and you'd have ragbrai, right? 

I think, though, that Bacon Fest is just too much. Too much money. Too much marketing. Too many people. Too much hype. Too much meme, and sadly, a little too little attention to the larger conversation relating to issues of excess, health, and animal rights. I don't want to be a buzz kill. I really don't, but I don't think I'll go back to Bacon Fest. It just left a bad taste in my mouth.