A few blogs ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I cast a call-out into the atmosphere in the general direction of Longmont, Colorado. The universe heard my primal scream and responded, in kind.
Press Release -- From the Office of the Mayor -- Longmont, CO -- September 17, 2011
The mayor would like to formally respond to some challenges recently raised by his constituency. The Mayor recognizes his rising poundage and slowing pedal cadence and is ready to explore all options in order to benefit his waistline and the overall performance of Team Beaver. While he enjoyed this past year's RAGBRAI, he understands that the physical pain could have impeded his overall performance as the officially elected leader of the best ride in the world. He has gotten feedback from an independent review board that investigated the root causes of this physical pain, and they have recommended more exercise, a slight decrease in beer consumption, and have no substantial evidence evaluating the role of bacon in his current state of existence.
He would like to await more details on the Mayoral Race before announcing his endorsement of the challenge. He feels -- like his quads -- that it just needs more definition.
Last, the mayor would like to point out that his greatness is based on his ability to mock ceaselessly. He argues that the mayor only truly emerges when he has the chance to call out others and their lack of cajones...whether perceived as hypocritical or not.
I recently, kindly, suggested, that the Mayor, who is both the civic leader of the Greatest Bike Ride in the World, and a key leader in a little organization we like to call Team Beaver, might want to participate in a little challenge. Both the Mayor and myself could stand for a little "improvement" on our nearly perfect selves and what better way to improve than a little friendly challenge?
Of course, this blog has seen no shortage of challenges. It started with the Juice Fitness Challenge, it continued with the RAGBRAI Royalty Challenge, and the shameful despair of the Super Friends Challenge. For the most part, all of these challenges have been me versus my friend Steven. She is a great competitor. Not only is she hilarious, hard-working, and sly, but she also has the uncanny ability to mock me into a competitive fury. Her husband, The Mayor, possesses the same quality. (In fact, it is my belief, that their ability to get under one another's equally thick dragon-like skin might just be the key to their marital happiness.)
And, indeed, as was alluded to in his press release, while the Mayor and I thoroughly enjoyed both RAGBRAI and the Brewery Tour Century, we commiserated over our separate, but perhaps equal, diminishment of fitness from the glory of RAGBRAI 2010. Being super fit is certainly not are requirement to win RAGBRAI, but it doesn't hurt.
To that end, and seeking to employ our mutual competitive spirits in the pursuit of the greater good of ourselves, our partners, our Team (Go Beav), and the many cyclists whose hearts we touch on the Greatest Bike Ride in the World, I propose, now, in detail, a new challenge, a challenge to end all challenges, drum roll, please..............
A challenge style event that celebrates the majesty and style of the Mayor, while seeking to improve the quality of Mayoralness in both the Mayor himself and in his constituecy.
Primary Season: October 3rd-December 31st, or 13 weeks until the end of year.
The end of the year, we all know, is one of the most neglected times in the cycle of fitness. New Year's Resolutions are long gone, the Great Bike Ride is more than 297 days away, and lots and lots of goodies and excuses for laziness arrive with cold weather and the holidays. The end result will be greater fitness going into the 2012 "season."
Challenge Criteria in Four Parts
1. The Weight is Too Damn High--as the Mayor and I are starting in similar states of chubbitude, we will calculate weight lost on a simple pound-for-pound basis. As it is a truth universally acknowledged that the skinnier you are, the happier you are on a bike, weight loss is a critical component. Candidates are required to weigh in at the beginning and the end of the challenge, but are encouraged to weigh in on a weekly basis. The candidate who loses the most pounds of weight will win the Weight is Too Damn High category.
2. Miles to Nowhere--As it is another truth universally acknowledged that people who ride more bicycles are happier while riding bicycles, the riding of bicycles is encouraged. Miles can be ridden indoors on a trainer or outdoors and should be tracked by each contestant. Candidates are encouraged to post their mileage each week. The candidates who rides the most miles will win the Miles to Nowhere category.
3. X Party Express--There is more than one way to skin a beaver; the Mayoral Race will also encourage contestants to partake in "cross-training" type activities. Cross-training is defined as an exercise-esque activity that supports fitness, weight loss, or bicycle riding. Potential cross-training activities might include Beav-X-90, Jillian Shred videos, weight lifting, jogging, etc. Candidates will decide whether their activity counts towards cross training. Cross training will be calculated by the hour trained. Candidates are encouraged, but not required, to post their hours of cross training on a weekly basis. The candidate with the most hours of cross training will win the X Party Express Category.
4. Weekly Mayoral "Debates"--The final category in the Mayoral Race will be week debates, or mini-challenges where candidates can earn Mayoral-Style Victories. The proposing of weekly challenges will be posted each Monday and must be completed by the following Sunday. Candidates will alternate in the proposing of weekly debate "topics."
Debates should exemplify the style of the Mayor and pay tribute to his Mayoral awesomeness. (Beer drinking, biker dancing, ranting, taunting, and lesbian-tent smashing, etc.) An example "debate topic" challenge might be: drink as many beers and do as many sit-ups as you can in one hour.
Candidates should record their weekly mayoral debate contributions in a multi-media fashion (photo, Youtube video, etc.) and post it for the record.
Mayoral Style Points will be evaluated and victory will be awarded each week and an overall score at the end of the contest which will be evaluated and tallied by a completely partial panel of the electoral college.
Electoral College--the candidate with the most points in each category wins that category. The candidate who wins the most categories wins the Mayoral Challenge. However, that's just the popular vote.
In addition to winning the popular vote, the Mayoral Challenge will be judged by the electoral college of Steven, the White Tiger, and a mystery judge.
Should there be a tie, or a closeness in point spreads of less than 10%, or should either of the candidates call for a re-count review, an completely partial panel of Supreme Court Justices will be called in to make a ruling. Those Supreme Court Justices will be made up of Blog-o-Sphere Commentators on both Half the Rice and Grope the Chaos.
The Spoils--the losing candidate buys and fetches all the beer for the winning candidate for 3 days of RAGBRAI 2012. The winning candidate retains bragging rights up and through RAGBRAI 2012. Further spoils may be added through the duration of the Mayoral Race.
Conditions of Race--rules and conditions of the race may be revised if and only if both candidates and the panel of the Electoral College agree.
Let the Mayoral Race begin!
Press Release -- From the Office of the Mayor -- Longmont, CO -- September 17, 2011
The mayor would like to formally respond to some challenges recently raised by his constituency. The Mayor recognizes his rising poundage and slowing pedal cadence and is ready to explore all options in order to benefit his waistline and the overall performance of Team Beaver. While he enjoyed this past year's RAGBRAI, he understands that the physical pain could have impeded his overall performance as the officially elected leader of the best ride in the world. He has gotten feedback from an independent review board that investigated the root causes of this physical pain, and they have recommended more exercise, a slight decrease in beer consumption, and have no substantial evidence evaluating the role of bacon in his current state of existence.
He would like to await more details on the Mayoral Race before announcing his endorsement of the challenge. He feels -- like his quads -- that it just needs more definition.
Last, the mayor would like to point out that his greatness is based on his ability to mock ceaselessly. He argues that the mayor only truly emerges when he has the chance to call out others and their lack of cajones...whether perceived as hypocritical or not.
I recently, kindly, suggested, that the Mayor, who is both the civic leader of the Greatest Bike Ride in the World, and a key leader in a little organization we like to call Team Beaver, might want to participate in a little challenge. Both the Mayor and myself could stand for a little "improvement" on our nearly perfect selves and what better way to improve than a little friendly challenge?
Of course, this blog has seen no shortage of challenges. It started with the Juice Fitness Challenge, it continued with the RAGBRAI Royalty Challenge, and the shameful despair of the Super Friends Challenge. For the most part, all of these challenges have been me versus my friend Steven. She is a great competitor. Not only is she hilarious, hard-working, and sly, but she also has the uncanny ability to mock me into a competitive fury. Her husband, The Mayor, possesses the same quality. (In fact, it is my belief, that their ability to get under one another's equally thick dragon-like skin might just be the key to their marital happiness.)
And, indeed, as was alluded to in his press release, while the Mayor and I thoroughly enjoyed both RAGBRAI and the Brewery Tour Century, we commiserated over our separate, but perhaps equal, diminishment of fitness from the glory of RAGBRAI 2010. Being super fit is certainly not are requirement to win RAGBRAI, but it doesn't hurt.
To that end, and seeking to employ our mutual competitive spirits in the pursuit of the greater good of ourselves, our partners, our Team (Go Beav), and the many cyclists whose hearts we touch on the Greatest Bike Ride in the World, I propose, now, in detail, a new challenge, a challenge to end all challenges, drum roll, please..............
The Mayoral Race 2011
Candidates
The Incumbent: The Mayor, Longmont, Colorado
The Challenger: Norman, Des Moines, IA
Primary Season: October 3rd-December 31st, or 13 weeks until the end of year.
The end of the year, we all know, is one of the most neglected times in the cycle of fitness. New Year's Resolutions are long gone, the Great Bike Ride is more than 297 days away, and lots and lots of goodies and excuses for laziness arrive with cold weather and the holidays. The end result will be greater fitness going into the 2012 "season."
Challenge Criteria in Four Parts
1. The Weight is Too Damn High--as the Mayor and I are starting in similar states of chubbitude, we will calculate weight lost on a simple pound-for-pound basis. As it is a truth universally acknowledged that the skinnier you are, the happier you are on a bike, weight loss is a critical component. Candidates are required to weigh in at the beginning and the end of the challenge, but are encouraged to weigh in on a weekly basis. The candidate who loses the most pounds of weight will win the Weight is Too Damn High category.
2. Miles to Nowhere--As it is another truth universally acknowledged that people who ride more bicycles are happier while riding bicycles, the riding of bicycles is encouraged. Miles can be ridden indoors on a trainer or outdoors and should be tracked by each contestant. Candidates are encouraged to post their mileage each week. The candidates who rides the most miles will win the Miles to Nowhere category.
3. X Party Express--There is more than one way to skin a beaver; the Mayoral Race will also encourage contestants to partake in "cross-training" type activities. Cross-training is defined as an exercise-esque activity that supports fitness, weight loss, or bicycle riding. Potential cross-training activities might include Beav-X-90, Jillian Shred videos, weight lifting, jogging, etc. Candidates will decide whether their activity counts towards cross training. Cross training will be calculated by the hour trained. Candidates are encouraged, but not required, to post their hours of cross training on a weekly basis. The candidate with the most hours of cross training will win the X Party Express Category.
4. Weekly Mayoral "Debates"--The final category in the Mayoral Race will be week debates, or mini-challenges where candidates can earn Mayoral-Style Victories. The proposing of weekly challenges will be posted each Monday and must be completed by the following Sunday. Candidates will alternate in the proposing of weekly debate "topics."
Debates should exemplify the style of the Mayor and pay tribute to his Mayoral awesomeness. (Beer drinking, biker dancing, ranting, taunting, and lesbian-tent smashing, etc.) An example "debate topic" challenge might be: drink as many beers and do as many sit-ups as you can in one hour.
Candidates should record their weekly mayoral debate contributions in a multi-media fashion (photo, Youtube video, etc.) and post it for the record.
Mayoral Style Points will be evaluated and victory will be awarded each week and an overall score at the end of the contest which will be evaluated and tallied by a completely partial panel of the electoral college.
Electoral College--the candidate with the most points in each category wins that category. The candidate who wins the most categories wins the Mayoral Challenge. However, that's just the popular vote.
In addition to winning the popular vote, the Mayoral Challenge will be judged by the electoral college of Steven, the White Tiger, and a mystery judge.
Should there be a tie, or a closeness in point spreads of less than 10%, or should either of the candidates call for a re-count review, an completely partial panel of Supreme Court Justices will be called in to make a ruling. Those Supreme Court Justices will be made up of Blog-o-Sphere Commentators on both Half the Rice and Grope the Chaos.
The Spoils--the losing candidate buys and fetches all the beer for the winning candidate for 3 days of RAGBRAI 2012. The winning candidate retains bragging rights up and through RAGBRAI 2012. Further spoils may be added through the duration of the Mayoral Race.
Conditions of Race--rules and conditions of the race may be revised if and only if both candidates and the panel of the Electoral College agree.
Let the Mayoral Race begin!
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