If you've been reading the fine print of this blog, you'll know that my "plan" for like my life, was to lose a bunch of weight (half my body weight) and then climb Half Dome in honor of my 30th birthday. When I concocted that plan, it sounded like such a good idea, possibly even a book-marketable idea (hey, a gal's got to dream), but lately, I have some doubts about the feasibility of that dream on two levels.
One: Climb Half Dome for my 30th birthday
These days, for safety, hikers need to reserve a permit to climb Half Dome. I need to register for my permit by May 1 if I am going to hike in August. Along with that I need to round up any possible hiking companions and make sure they have permits. I'll need to schedule the trip, buy plane tickets, rent a car, and find a place to stay in the Yosemite area.
Climbing Half Dome seemed like the perfect book end (eh, eh?) to my weight loss adventure. I concocted the scheme more two years ago, when I hit my fatness rock bottom whist trying to climb to the top of Yosemite Falls.
Now, though, trying to fit a climb up Half Dome seems like a lot of work. Billy and I are trying to figure out our summer plans, and between RAGBRAI and weddings, and trying to get out to Portland, it all just seems like a little much.
I feel this nagging obligation to do it anyway because:
a) I said I would on this blog.
b) I am terrified that I am secretly not doing it because I am chickening out.
c) Well, now what? Without an end point am I going to just peter out?
Weeks ago Gwyn and I were discussing my goals and she kept asking me why I wanted to change, why I wanted to lose weight, and get fit. Is that what I really want? It was a tough conversation, but it does make me really think about is this what I really want?
Two: Crunches and the Number
Two years ago, losing all this weight seemed just giving us a piece of cake. I had plenty of time, but now the clock is ticking. Will I be able to make it happen? At this point, I am sure I can still kick some ass, but I am not as confident about getting to that final number.
Losing weight, I've learned, takes an incredible amount of concentration. I really need to focus. I can't drop the ball and not go to the grocery store, not go to the gym, not pay attention when one beer turns into three. And, I haven't been giving it that level of concentration. I will have more time in the summer to workout, eat right, etc. but maybe not enough time.
My question, dear readers, is can I re-evaluate the "promises I made to the blog-o-sphere"? Can I change my goals, change my expectations? Is that okay? (I am really asking myself these questions). I don't like the idea of working really hard towards a goal that I don't necessarily want, nor do I want to fail to hit an arbitrary deadline.
Of course, time is a-ticking. The longer I remain at this weight, the more risks I am exposing myself to, not just physical health risks, but also mental health risks. A person can only go for so long not living the life they feel they are meant to live. I don't want to go through the rest of my life letting my self down. The line between changing my goals and giving up seems so fine and blurry and far away.
Maybe blogs have to grow with the people who write them. That's what makes them cooler than books. Sometimes a running blog grows into a boob-blog. My blog has grown from a chronicle of my adventures to a cheap, public therapist.
Part of me wanted to sneak into my template design in the middle of the night, change all that crazy stuff in the header and sidebars, and call it a day, but that wouldn't be fair, right? Dearest readers, your thoughts?
You know I love you just the way you are and fully support adapting your goals. Half the Rice was too much, anyway. There needs to be enough Rice to go around!
ReplyDeleteI think goals are meant to be evolving. They are fluid, not set in stone. You create a goal, complete with some steps for progress monitoring. Alont the way you assess, reflect on your work, reassess and adjust.
ReplyDeleteI think you're on the right track. And yes, making physical changes requires a committment and check points along the way.
Just do what you gotta do. Love you friend!
Hi Lauren,
ReplyDeleteLoved your blog title - half the rice is ingenious :)
Now, regarding your question - I don't think anyone can answer it, other then you. It's OK to change goals, postpone then, complete them. It all can be part of the bigger picture.
The question we all are asking ourselves constantly (even if not consciously) is "is it me?" Would climbing this mountain be the real me (or a pretty Hollywood fantasy), would postponing this goal be me - realistic, cautious, but not-giving-up me?
Sometimes not doing something may be courageous, and doing may be just conforming.
Among all these conflicting views, we need to look deep inside ourselves, and try to detect which one of our future selves will be the one we hope we are. I hope you find the answer to your question, and will take a decision that would be right for you.