Cross-Check: My Current Ass-Venture

Caution: this blog contains a naked rear end (good Lord, no not mine!) and several references to a buttocks that is also a synonym for a donkey. Readers with good taste should read elsewhere.

A few weeks ago, I mentioned, vaguely, some sort of scheme in which I would "earn" a new bike if I met one of my weight loss goals. I am now prepared to unveil that scheme in all of its complicated glory.

As you may know, I want a new bike (actually, I want about three new bikes). I very nearly caught Bike World Sale Fever and bought myself a bargain-ish Trek Madone 5.2. I took it for a test ride and it was oh-so-vertically-stiff-and-laterally-compliant. But, who am I kidding? A bike like that is made for muscle-bound super-cyclists who are also vertically-stiff-and-laterally-compliant.

(Oh, Mario...)

Nothing about me is stiff or compliant. (I was reminded of this fact whilst attempting to perform "star jumps" in Gwyn's cardio conditioning class. I go one way, my gut goes the other.) Furthermore, the parts for these bikes are not really built for the kind of heavy-duty gravity that I inflict. To put it simply, I need to fix the motor, and by motor, I mean rear end.

It's been a long time since the first digit in my weight has been a 1. In fact, I don't even remember. Like many overweight people, I spent a long, long time in denial of my fat-reality and a long time in avoidance of the scale.

I put that practice to an end when I published my weight in the newspaper last year for Juice. My Juice winning weight was 217, and the lowest I got post-challenge was 214: that was about a year ago. Since then, the weight has crept back. I started 2010 at 228.

So, I will buy myself a new bike if and when I can get my weight to less than 200 pounds.

What bike do I have my eye on? For now, I am putting aside the dream of carbon fiber, and I am thinking about steel. The crabon fibre will have to wait for ultimate weight-loss success, when my butt looks like Mario's. Instead, I am thinking of steel.



The Surly Cross Check--look at that gorgeous hunk of metal. This little darling is going to be my "banging around town" bike. Imagine it with hammered metal fenders, lots of lights, a bike rack for groceries, and a cup holder for coffee. Coming in hot!

The Cross Check is going to set me back some clams, so for each pound of weight I lose, I am going to set aside $40.

But, there's a catch! If I gain the weight back, I have to donate that cash to Newt Gingrich.



(I don't care what your political affiliation is, Newt is slimy.) I am going to give myself a two-pound lee-way on the Newt-penalty. I am also looking for a volunteer who would be willing to hold on to the bike-cash and actually send it to Newt should I not meet my own standards.

To help track this new ass-venture, I am proud to introduce the "Ass-O-Meter."



So, it's either me with a new bike (and smaller ass) or Newt for President. There is really only one option. But, as you can see, I am already well on my way to Surly Cross Checkification. Stay tuned for Ass-o-Meter updates.